re and stay immersed in your work knowing someone is in the process with you who wants to be there, has nothing they would rather be doing and doesn't feel like you are being a "bad friend" because you aren't doing the same for them.

I would never use a friend relationship in the same way I used my coach relationships. It would feel too off balance and I would ultimately limit myself from getting the support I may have wanted as a result.

That doesn't mean that a friend would never come to something I do...maybe a cool retr

This great question came from a blog reader recently. I am sharing my response here for those of you who find yourself wrestling with this issue or who have simply been curious.

How is a coaching relationship different from a friendship?

I'll deal here with the qualitative aspects of the relationship...how it feels and how it's used. Let's assume we realize that coaches get trained. Just like there are "natural therapists", there are certainly "natural coaches" but I'm coming from the point of view that we are talking about people who have officially taken on a professional role as coach and have taken steps to hone their craft.

In the coaching relationship, all the focus is on you (as a client). As a coach, I would jump in and be your partner as you wrestle around with questions of life/career/relationships, etc. We'd both sit on the same side of the table, looking out at Project Your Life (Career/Business/Whatever) and run experiments on it and compare notes and draw up plans to get you what you want out of life. There's a lot more rolling up sleeves instead of meandering conversational hikes. It's very focused and you never have to worry about the "inequity" in focus because the money is exchanged so everyone is clear that it is perfectly fine and acceptable to be completely self indulgent during the time we have together.

I've worked with 3 coaches. My first was the best. I did consider him a friend, but I gave myself complete freedom to be completely "selfish" during our phone calls and just dove really deeply into my stuff. I could keep all my focus and all my energy on ME without feeling like later I owed him some of my focus in return. That is really important because when you are doing deep work it is hard to pull out of it and then say "Oh, now I have to come up for air and take care of you/be a support for you, because that's fair." And it cuts out all that temptation to say, "Oh, now that I see you have all this stuff going on, I really shouldn't bother you with my stuff."

The professional relationship means it is good, right and wonderful that you can really get the support you need and desire and stay immersed in your work knowing someone is in the process with you who wants to be there, has nothing they would rather be doing and doesn't feel like you are being a "bad friend" because you aren't doing the same for them.

I would never use a friend relationship in the same way I used my coach relationships. It would feel too off balance and I would ultimately limit myself from getting the support I may have wanted as a result.

That doesn't mean that a friend would never come to something I do...maybe a cool retre

bout people who have officially taken on a professional role as coach and have taken steps to hone their craft.

In the coaching relationship, all the focus is on you (as a client). As a coach, I would jump in and be your partner as you wrestle around with questions of life/career/relationships, etc. We'd both sit on the same side of the table, looking out at Project Your Life (Career/Business/Whatever) and run experiments on it and compare notes and draw up plans to get you what you want out of life. There's a lot more rolling up sleeves instead of meandering conversational hikes. It's very focused and you never have to worry about the "inequity" in focus because the money is exchanged so everyone is clear that it is perfectly fine and acceptable to be completely self indulgent during the time we have together.

I've worked with 3 coaches. My first was the best. I did consider him a friend, but I gave myself complete freedom to be completely "selfish" during our phone calls and just dove really deeply into my stuff. I could keep all my focus and all my energy on ME without feeling like later I owed him some of my focus in return. That is really important because when you are doing deep work it is hard to pull out of it and then say "Oh, now I have to come up for air and take care of you/be a support for you, because that's fair." And it cuts out all that temptation to say, "Oh, now that I see you have all this stuff going on, I really shouldn't bother you with my stuff."

The professional relationship means it is good, right and wonderful that you can really get the support you need and desire and stay immersed in your work knowing someone is in the process with you who wants to be there, has nothing they would rather be doing and doesn't feel like you are being a "bad friend" because you aren't doing the same for them.

I would never use a friend relationship in the same way I used my coach relationships. It would feel too off balance and I would ultimately limit myself from getting the support I may have wanted as a result.

That doesn't mean that a friend would never come to something I do...maybe a cool retr

ves instead of meandering conversational hikes. It's very focused and you never have to worry about the "inequity" in focus because the money is exchanged so everyone is clear that it is perfectly fine and acceptable to be completely self indulgent during the time we have together.

I've worked with 3 coaches. My first was the best. I did consider him a friend, but I gave myself complete freedom to be completely "selfish" during our phone calls and just dove really deeply into my stuff. I could keep all my focus and all my energy on ME without feeling like later I owed him some of my focus in return. That is really important because when you are doing deep work it is hard to pull out of it and then say "Oh, now I have to come up for air and take care of you/be a support for you, because that's fair." And it cuts out all that temptation to say, "Oh, now that I see you have all this stuff going on, I really shouldn't bother you with my stuff."

The professional relationship means it is good, right and wonderful that you can really get the support you need and desire and stay immersed in your work knowing someone is in the process with you who wants to be there, has nothing they would rather be doing and doesn't feel like you are being a "bad friend" because you aren't doing the same for them.

I would never use a friend relationship in the same way I used my coach relationships. It would feel too off balance and I would ultimately limit myself from getting the support I may have wanted as a result.

That doesn't mean that a friend would never come to something I do...maybe a cool retr

E without feeling like later I owed him some of my focus in return. That is really important because when you are doing deep work it is hard to pull out of it and then say "Oh, now I have to come up for air and take care of you/be a support for you, because that's fair." And it cuts out all that temptation to say, "Oh, now that I see you have all this stuff going on, I really shouldn't bother you with my stuff."

The professional relationship means it is good, right and wonderful that you can really get the support you need and desire and stay immersed in your work knowing someone is in the process with you who wants to be there, has nothing they would rather be doing and doesn't feel like you are being a "bad friend" because you aren't doing the same for them.

I would never use a friend relationship in the same way I used my coach relationships. It would feel too off balance and I would ultimately limit myself from getting the support I may have wanted as a result.

That doesn't mean that a friend would never come to something I do...maybe a cool retr

re and stay immersed in your work knowing someone is in the process with you who wants to be there, has nothing they would rather be doing and doesn't feel like you are being a "bad friend" because you aren't doing the same for them.

I would never use a friend relationship in the same way I used my coach relationships. It would feel too off balance and I would ultimately limit myself from getting the support I may have wanted as a result.

That doesn't mean that a friend would never come to something I do...maybe a cool retreat or something...and pay for it. Just like I don't expect massage therapist friends to work on me for free so it isn't out of the question that sometimes we do buy things from our friends. I've had friends buy my books. I've bought things from friends (not to mention all the wrapping paper from friends' kids!). That's pretty normal, particularly among people who understand the life of the self-employed. It's the way we balance out the energy we exchange, in a way.

And trust your intuition. If you feel you OR your coach is holding back because suddenly the friend or coach lines has become too blurry make sure you are honest about that and talk about it directly!