When naming a child always consider the surname – the two must be compatible. It would be unkind and thoughtless of Mr and Mrs Dick to name their son Richard; imagine the fun his schoolmates could have! In Greece it’s traditional to name male children for their grandparents, which means little boys are saddled with unpronounceable names like Theophylaktos, Panagiotis or Eleftherios. I know a young Greek couple who were very upset when they learned they were having a son, because he was to be saddled with one of these names. I have also met a two year child called Constandinos – a rather unwieldy name for a small boy but at least he will grow into it. Girls are fortunate, because they are not named in the traditional way, which is probably the reason there aren’t too many girls called Spyridoula, Efrosyni or Glykeria.

There’s a disturbing baby naming trend among celebrities. Most of them seem to be desperate to start trends, so they seem to be obsessed with high snigger factor names for their offspring. I feel for Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s daughter Apple when she starts going to school. However if they send her to a school filled with celebrity kids her name will not be noticed, because there are far worse names these people have bestowed upon their children. Consider the monikers these poor children were burdened with by thoughtless parents:

Prince Michael. Prince Michael II. Paris Michael.
Michael Jackson showed great originality when naming his offspring, saddling his daughter with both the name of the city where she was supposedly conceived AND his own name. How does he call those kids for dinner? At least Prince Michael II has a nickname - unfortunately it’s as bad as his real name… BLANKET.

Jermajesty.
Not to be outdone by his brother, Jermaine Jackson saddled his son with this cruel name.

Kyd.
And you thought David Duchovney and Tea Leoni looked sensible? Imagine growing old with this name.

Zowie.
At the time of his son’s birth, David Bowie was extremely fond of recreational drugs, which probably accounts for this shocker. No wonder Zowie opted to change his name, although he kept the rhythm going when he changed it to Joey.

Rolan Bolan.
What is it with these singers and rhyming their son’s first name with the surname? Guilty party in this case is Marc Bolan.

Jett.
He pilots his own ‘plane, which may be the reason John Travolta bestowed this misspelled word upon his son.

Pilot Inspektor
Speaking of pilots… Jason Lee – did you have to be so cruel? And where on earth did you learn to spell?

Audio Science.
A name like this can only mean Shannyn Sossamon (from A Knight’s Tale) has high hopes for her child’s future profession – musician or scientist!

Speck Wildhorse. Hud.
It’s a pity John Mellencamp’s brilliant songwriting skills weren’t in evidence when he named his sons.

Reignbeau. Freedom.
Daughter and son respectively of Ving Rhames, another actor with questionable spelling ability.

Tu Morrow.
“Take Tu to school/lunch/the doctor/the party” … Debbon Ayre and Rob Morrow will probably be sued by their daughter when she’s older.

Diezel. Denim.
Cruel, Toni Braxton. Very cruel. Someone needs to get this girl a dictionary.

Rumer Glenn. Tallulah Belle. Scout LaRue.
I’ve always wondered exactly to which of their names Bruce Willis’ and Demi Moore’s daughter answer.

Kal-el.
What was Nicolas Cage thinking???

Here’s a handful more examples of unthinking, cruel celebrities, together with some playground taunts:

Homer (Richard Gere) - Doh!