parents. As parents we show empathy by understanding that teenagers are going through the "bloom of youth". They are naturally becoming more interested in the opposite sex.

We are not interested in finding out who instigated the action, either, because this forces the child to give up on his friends and is a potential for creating a barrier between parent and child. It doesn't matter who started it. A powerful way of fending off peer pressure is by being ca

Here's a poser for you:

This afternoon you pass your son’s room. He has two boys from his 8th grade class over. All three 13-year-old boys are gathered around his computer. When you pass, they go red in the face and get totally silent.

The silence is a dead giveaway that you need to check on what they’ve been doing.

You’re too fast. You make it there before they realize your intent to check the computer. You find them on a flickr page of a 13-year-old girls’ sleepover. All of the girls are nearly naked. All of the girls are posed quite provactively. All of the girls are in your son’s class at school.

Your son immediately begins accusing you of invading his privacy.

After you send the other boys home, you son begs you not to ruin his life.1

Answers ranged from asking the boy why he was looking, through lectures about trust and morals, to letting the school and teachers know what was going on.

Although this scenario taps into many of a parent's worst fears, much more can be accomplished if we remain calm, and handle the situation simply and tactfully.

On first catching them: "Looks like you guys are having fun. I'd prefer that you use the internet for something else," is all that is required to begin with. There does not need to be any public chastisement.

Later, when the friends are gone, we can inquire a little more, preempted by a phrase like, "I must admit to feeling a little uneasy about the webpage you guys were looking at. I'm a bit concerned for the girl, too." And allow the conversation to unfold from there.

We avoid the "why" question - "Why were you looking at that? Why can't you be more..?" - it only serves to put our child in an even more embarrassing position than he is already in, having been caught by his parents. As parents we show empathy by understanding that teenagers are going through the "bloom of youth". They are naturally becoming more interested in the opposite sex.

We are not interested in finding out who instigated the action, either, because this forces the child to give up on his friends and is a potential for creating a barrier between parent and child. It doesn't matter who started it. A powerful way of fending off peer pressure is by being cal

e of a 13-year-old girls’ sleepover. All of the girls are nearly naked. All of the girls are posed quite provactively. All of the girls are in your son’s class at school.

Your son immediately begins accusing you of invading his privacy.

After you send the other boys home, you son begs you not to ruin his life.1

Answers ranged from asking the boy why he was looking, through lectures about trust and morals, to letting the school and teachers know what was going on.

Although this scenario taps into many of a parent's worst fears, much more can be accomplished if we remain calm, and handle the situation simply and tactfully.

On first catching them: "Looks like you guys are having fun. I'd prefer that you use the internet for something else," is all that is required to begin with. There does not need to be any public chastisement.

Later, when the friends are gone, we can inquire a little more, preempted by a phrase like, "I must admit to feeling a little uneasy about the webpage you guys were looking at. I'm a bit concerned for the girl, too." And allow the conversation to unfold from there.

We avoid the "why" question - "Why were you looking at that? Why can't you be more..?" - it only serves to put our child in an even more embarrassing position than he is already in, having been caught by his parents. As parents we show empathy by understanding that teenagers are going through the "bloom of youth". They are naturally becoming more interested in the opposite sex.

We are not interested in finding out who instigated the action, either, because this forces the child to give up on his friends and is a potential for creating a barrier between parent and child. It doesn't matter who started it. A powerful way of fending off peer pressure is by being ca

eachers know what was going on.

Although this scenario taps into many of a parent's worst fears, much more can be accomplished if we remain calm, and handle the situation simply and tactfully.

On first catching them: "Looks like you guys are having fun. I'd prefer that you use the internet for something else," is all that is required to begin with. There does not need to be any public chastisement.

Later, when the friends are gone, we can inquire a little more, preempted by a phrase like, "I must admit to feeling a little uneasy about the webpage you guys were looking at. I'm a bit concerned for the girl, too." And allow the conversation to unfold from there.

We avoid the "why" question - "Why were you looking at that? Why can't you be more..?" - it only serves to put our child in an even more embarrassing position than he is already in, having been caught by his parents. As parents we show empathy by understanding that teenagers are going through the "bloom of youth". They are naturally becoming more interested in the opposite sex.

We are not interested in finding out who instigated the action, either, because this forces the child to give up on his friends and is a potential for creating a barrier between parent and child. It doesn't matter who started it. A powerful way of fending off peer pressure is by being ca

s are gone, we can inquire a little more, preempted by a phrase like, "I must admit to feeling a little uneasy about the webpage you guys were looking at. I'm a bit concerned for the girl, too." And allow the conversation to unfold from there.

We avoid the "why" question - "Why were you looking at that? Why can't you be more..?" - it only serves to put our child in an even more embarrassing position than he is already in, having been caught by his parents. As parents we show empathy by understanding that teenagers are going through the "bloom of youth". They are naturally becoming more interested in the opposite sex.

We are not interested in finding out who instigated the action, either, because this forces the child to give up on his friends and is a potential for creating a barrier between parent and child. It doesn't matter who started it. A powerful way of fending off peer pressure is by being ca

parents. As parents we show empathy by understanding that teenagers are going through the "bloom of youth". They are naturally becoming more interested in the opposite sex.

We are not interested in finding out who instigated the action, either, because this forces the child to give up on his friends and is a potential for creating a barrier between parent and child. It doesn't matter who started it. A powerful way of fending off peer pressure is by being calm, reasonable and approachable parents.

We can also ignore the "invading his privacy" bit, because this is all smoke and mirrors and bluff from guilt.

The son begging you "not to ruin his life," is a plea to not make a big deal over this. A lot would depend upon the perceived attitude of the boys - who our children's friends are, and how we feel about them, is a separate question. I'm pretty sure I would only be likely to inform the girl's parents whose flickr webpage it was, and trust that they would take it from there.

As the girl's parents, again, less is more. Assuming that the information is undeniable, "You have a flickr page with inappropriate pictures displayed. They need to be removed right away." That would be enough at least to initiate action, and to prompt a discussion if necessary. Girls, too, are going through a difficult and confusing time of life, and empathy - not panic - is the key to successfully helping them to navigate these waters. Some serious personal reappraisal might also be needed on the parent's half.

None of this gentle approach warrants being viewed as an abdication of responsibility. It builds trust and reassurance in children, that their parents are reasonable, calm-in-a-crisis, and understanding.

Footnotes
1 The Junior High School Sleepover