t the mom who is signing up sonny for soccer and missed the deadline and is throwing a fit at the front desk of the recreation center? Is she scared or sad?

You bet. How would you like to go home and tell your kid that you messed up and everyone in the neighborhood will be playing be playing soccer on the same team, but not him 'cause mom blew it? The same emotions : fear and sadness.

What about the person who is yelling at a police officer or a rescue worker in a time of stress; breaking a law and dealing with the consequences poorly; over-emo

At some point in the workday, most of us have to work with customers, citizens, vendors or suppliers. And, unfortunately, these interactions can sometimes be tinged with anger. Aside from the normal customer service behaviors we rely on when someone displays anger, what else can we do?

The most common answer I get when I ask what someone does to deal with an angry customer or co-worker is: "Let them vent."

Okay, that's good for starters. The problem is that with this technique is that often a customer decides that you are willing to be dumped on; that you'll take their bad day off their shoulders; that you'll put up with a great deal of negativity. Not exactly a formula for lowering stress or heightening your problem solving abilities.

What I have found to be a valuable tool instead is to understand anger, not try to endure the person yelling at you. Anger has been identified as a non-emotion. That's right. Anger is NOT on the human barometer for emotional responses. When researchers have worked with people to calibrate or measure emotions like checking respiration, heart rate, sweat...the emotion ANGER doesn't compute!

What does register during these tests are two different emotions: fear and sadness. Based on these experiments, anger has been called an emotion that is "a perversion of two other emotions" (excuse the phrasing, but I am quoting here!).

Let's looks at an example: If you have just informed a customer or citizen that their water is being turned-off for the weekend due to a lack of payment, you will likely encounter a level of "anger" that is through-the-roof, right? But what emotion do you think they are REALLY feeling now that you know anger isn't an option? How must it feel to be in a situation where you no longer have indoor plumbing? What else is happening in this person's life? Lost their job? Other utilities being shut off? Will their kids be able to bathe or even get a drink this weekend? Imagine the fear, the sadness.

Unfortunately, all you see on the surface is the "puffing up" to try and counter their worse fear: this person is not going to get what they need and it's their fault for the most part (or that is likely their thinking).

What about the mom who is signing up sonny for soccer and missed the deadline and is throwing a fit at the front desk of the recreation center? Is she scared or sad?

You bet. How would you like to go home and tell your kid that you messed up and everyone in the neighborhood will be playing be playing soccer on the same team, but not him 'cause mom blew it? The same emotions : fear and sadness.

What about the person who is yelling at a police officer or a rescue worker in a time of stress; breaking a law and dealing with the consequences poorly; over-emot

n; that you'll take their bad day off their shoulders; that you'll put up with a great deal of negativity. Not exactly a formula for lowering stress or heightening your problem solving abilities.

What I have found to be a valuable tool instead is to understand anger, not try to endure the person yelling at you. Anger has been identified as a non-emotion. That's right. Anger is NOT on the human barometer for emotional responses. When researchers have worked with people to calibrate or measure emotions like checking respiration, heart rate, sweat...the emotion ANGER doesn't compute!

What does register during these tests are two different emotions: fear and sadness. Based on these experiments, anger has been called an emotion that is "a perversion of two other emotions" (excuse the phrasing, but I am quoting here!).

Let's looks at an example: If you have just informed a customer or citizen that their water is being turned-off for the weekend due to a lack of payment, you will likely encounter a level of "anger" that is through-the-roof, right? But what emotion do you think they are REALLY feeling now that you know anger isn't an option? How must it feel to be in a situation where you no longer have indoor plumbing? What else is happening in this person's life? Lost their job? Other utilities being shut off? Will their kids be able to bathe or even get a drink this weekend? Imagine the fear, the sadness.

Unfortunately, all you see on the surface is the "puffing up" to try and counter their worse fear: this person is not going to get what they need and it's their fault for the most part (or that is likely their thinking).

What about the mom who is signing up sonny for soccer and missed the deadline and is throwing a fit at the front desk of the recreation center? Is she scared or sad?

You bet. How would you like to go home and tell your kid that you messed up and everyone in the neighborhood will be playing be playing soccer on the same team, but not him 'cause mom blew it? The same emotions : fear and sadness.

What about the person who is yelling at a police officer or a rescue worker in a time of stress; breaking a law and dealing with the consequences poorly; over-emo

emotion ANGER doesn't compute!

What does register during these tests are two different emotions: fear and sadness. Based on these experiments, anger has been called an emotion that is "a perversion of two other emotions" (excuse the phrasing, but I am quoting here!).

Let's looks at an example: If you have just informed a customer or citizen that their water is being turned-off for the weekend due to a lack of payment, you will likely encounter a level of "anger" that is through-the-roof, right? But what emotion do you think they are REALLY feeling now that you know anger isn't an option? How must it feel to be in a situation where you no longer have indoor plumbing? What else is happening in this person's life? Lost their job? Other utilities being shut off? Will their kids be able to bathe or even get a drink this weekend? Imagine the fear, the sadness.

Unfortunately, all you see on the surface is the "puffing up" to try and counter their worse fear: this person is not going to get what they need and it's their fault for the most part (or that is likely their thinking).

What about the mom who is signing up sonny for soccer and missed the deadline and is throwing a fit at the front desk of the recreation center? Is she scared or sad?

You bet. How would you like to go home and tell your kid that you messed up and everyone in the neighborhood will be playing be playing soccer on the same team, but not him 'cause mom blew it? The same emotions : fear and sadness.

What about the person who is yelling at a police officer or a rescue worker in a time of stress; breaking a law and dealing with the consequences poorly; over-emo

ing now that you know anger isn't an option? How must it feel to be in a situation where you no longer have indoor plumbing? What else is happening in this person's life? Lost their job? Other utilities being shut off? Will their kids be able to bathe or even get a drink this weekend? Imagine the fear, the sadness.

Unfortunately, all you see on the surface is the "puffing up" to try and counter their worse fear: this person is not going to get what they need and it's their fault for the most part (or that is likely their thinking).

What about the mom who is signing up sonny for soccer and missed the deadline and is throwing a fit at the front desk of the recreation center? Is she scared or sad?

You bet. How would you like to go home and tell your kid that you messed up and everyone in the neighborhood will be playing be playing soccer on the same team, but not him 'cause mom blew it? The same emotions : fear and sadness.

What about the person who is yelling at a police officer or a rescue worker in a time of stress; breaking a law and dealing with the consequences poorly; over-emo

t the mom who is signing up sonny for soccer and missed the deadline and is throwing a fit at the front desk of the recreation center? Is she scared or sad?

You bet. How would you like to go home and tell your kid that you messed up and everyone in the neighborhood will be playing be playing soccer on the same team, but not him 'cause mom blew it? The same emotions : fear and sadness.

What about the person who is yelling at a police officer or a rescue worker in a time of stress; breaking a law and dealing with the consequences poorly; over-emotional as they watch a loved one who is hurt? These people are acting angry, irrational, even harmful certainly. But the best public safety employees know this truth about anger being fear or sadness. Even if they only know it on instinct. Maybe someone labels it "anxiety" or "helplessness" or "hysteria." These are all just other words for fear or sadness.

So all of this scientific data and examples are being presented in the hope that you may shift your thinking when dealing with ANYONE who is angry or upset. Compassion will likely replace having your buttons pushed if you keep this information in mind. Your tone of voice, body language and word choice will all be reflected in this shift. The person will likely respond with a more level-head, thanks to your willingness to see beyond the "puffed-up" adult trying to overpower you.

After all, they are just trying to regain a little dignity; a little strength. This situation probably qualifies as one of their worst days. They have almost literally been leveled to a child-like status: whether there is actual crying or a temper tantrum. But for you? It's just another day. Try to remember that it's not about you specifically or even the organization you work for. It about being human, making mistakes, being down on your luck. It happens to us all at some point.

Maybe you can be the person to make things a little better. Maybe you can even help this person turn it around. At the very least, you can be sure not to add to this person's burden.